Grand Lodge League
Hail To The King, Baby!
Fireworks lit up the sky, parades marched through the streets, and upon the field milions celebrated whilst billions more joined them in their good cheer around the world. Yes, that's right, this evening St Helens Reds clinched the Square League One title. In a thrilling match, the Reds' fantabulous squad made it look like Isilington United's players weren't even on the pitch over the ninety minutes, without even needing to get out of first gear themselves. The severe thrashing was widely anticipated, and ensured the Reds attainted the inevitable despite what went on elsewhere in the league.
The match had been the talk of the globe over the past week, with the world's most rich and affluent booking seats at Knowsley Road to ensure their part in what is a truly historical, and destined, moment. One guest, Nelson Mandella, told the press afterwards that "being here today makes all of my achievements pale in comparison - it makes the time in prison worth it."
Also in attendance were The Pope (who conveyed an honorary sainthood upon Reds' manager Lordanubis for his amazing work this season), many heads of state, and everyone who is anyone in the world of sport. Naturally, this meant that failing club Liverspool, who made a huge blunder earlier in the season by allowing an uneducated boardmember to criticise a national treasure in Lordanubis, were the only club not represented at Knowsley Road. Even the chairman of local failures the Cincinnati Steamers turned up, admitting to the press that he just had to experience what success felt like for once in his life.
Following an astounding victory ceremony, which included a parade by the Army, acrobatic displays by legions of the worlds finest gymnasts, the world's largest ever fireworks display, and the aforementioned conferring of sainthood upon the manager of the Reds, thankfully the press were able to get a few words with triumphant hero Lordanubis about the whole experience whilst fans throughout the stadium chanted 'Hail to the king' (referring of course to Lordanubis himself).
"Now this is a force to be reckoned with!" he told us, whilst gesturing at his team (who were, at the time, being paraded around the stadium on the shoulders of the aforementioned world leaders). "I've taken all of these players and turned them into a juggernaut. Damn I'm good! I am the king of the world baby! Sometimes I even amaze myself! These fans here tonight know what a man I am, and they know just what needs to be said to those former pretenders to our title - 'End of the line! Last stop, total destruction!'"
Asked about the pressure he has been under to deliver this moment all season, he told the press: "Piece of cake! I could do this all day. It's a fantastic feeling to be able to look at teams like the Steamers and say 'I'm not going to fight you - I'm gonna kick your ass!', then to go out and do just that over the course of the season."
"Now, I'm an equal opportunity ass-kicker, but after today I think I can catagorically say 'so much for the rat pack'. I've proven how much better we are than those who have finished beneath us. There's only ever been two ways their title dreams could end, and in both of them those dreams would die. They just needed to accept that. At the end of the day, it was always going to be my way or...hell, just my way, because I've got balls of steel!"
Today's success aside, rumours have continued circulating in recent weeks that Lordanubis may soon be leaving Knowsley Road to join Liverspool, despite denial of this from the boards of both clubs. Once again asked about this matter, Lordanubis catagorically cleared it up once and for all.
"I've always said if there's a way to leave Knowsley Road it would have something to do with women, whips and oil. As far as I'm aware, the Liverspool job offers none of these things, and that means that the work environment sucks - though the benefits may well be nice. Because of that, I'll still be here at Knowsley Road next season. I go where I please, and I please where I go, but I'm certainly not going anywhere this summer."
With that Lordanubis ventured back to the wild celebrations, which lasted well into the night - eventually dying down at around 5am the next morning. As his team finally left the pitch, Lordanubis was mobbed by attractive women seeking his attention. "So many babes, so little time. Don't worry girls, there's plenty of Lordanubis to go around! Babes, trophies and cash - damn, I love this job." he was heard calling as he vanished down the tunnel with said women.
In many ways that sums up the man completely - massively popular, and hugely successful at whatever he turns his hand to as this season has proved. All those I spoke to were sure he'd be a success next year in the Compass Championship. Characteristically, he himself has only one question for his upcoming opponents: "Who wants some? I'm gonna get medieval on your asses!"
"Perhaps this is what I have always wished for since that day. The loss and destruction of all. That's right, one must destroy before creating. In that case, if my conscience becomes a hindrance to me, then I will simply erase it. I have no other choice but to move forward....therefore!" - Lelouch vi Britannia/Zero, Code Geass: Hangyaku no Lelouch
Forever an eXile and proud of it!